Losing Trusts

I finally received my passport after days of panicing and upseting!
Here is what happened,
I was supposed to get my document back from the embassay on Thursday. However, I still hadn't received it on Friday. I started to worry. Then on Monday morning, I called the Canada Post right away but the answer I got was "I'm sorry, if you don't have a track number of your mail, we cannot do anything about it." I then called the embassay right after and luckily they have the track number of it. I got the track number and then go online to Canada Post to check it. I was shocked when I saw the words in front me " it is successfully delivered to the receipent on Oct 25 2007, am"
Apparently, WHERE was my mail?
I felt bad to have had to call the embassay so many times, but I had no choice. I called them again. A lady who was full of Malay accent (not the one who served me all the time) told me that I was the one who has to deal with Canada Post. They were already done their job and they couldn't anything about it. I hung up the phone and I started to panic. I couldn't believe it happened to me.
How in the world could it happen to me? I had done every procedure carefully and why Canada Post wanted to screw me over in the last minute?
I then called the customer service of Canada Post. I was sobbing and couldn't even talk properly the whole time. I was having a panic attack. I told them that it was a very important mail. It had my passport, ID and my flight ticket in it. In addition, I was leaving on next Tuesday! The lady who served me sensed that it was urgent. She reported it and promised that they would trace it and see what had happened to my mail and let me know the result within 24 to 48 hours.
The whole day, I was busy around with this incident. The next day morining, a crew from Canada Post called to see if I received the mail yesterday because they sent it yesterday. I called my girl Pinkkie to see whether she got my mail. She knew that I was desparate for the answer, and she didn't pick up my phone
These few days, she wasn't just not picking up my phone, but also rejected to pick up, few times.
Finally, she called me at night. She told me that she received the mail on Monday night. I asked her, "You knew that I'm very desparate for the mail. Why didn't you call me right away when you got it?"
I was relieved but at the same time, I was disappointed.
I was happy that I received the mail. I was diappointed to be treated like this way by one of my close friends. I wasn't just losing trust on Canada Post, but also my close friend.
You know, she isn't the Pinkkie I used to know anymore. She has changed. I don't know whether she has changed to a better way for herself, but it certainly has affected our friendships.
This friendship has no longer stay in a healthy and happy position. I think it's time for me to end it.
I'm sorry, but you were the one who chose it that way. I have no choice but obey it.

Another Day, Another Story

I have been leaving my job for 1 week now. I wasn't quite used to it at the beginning because I was overwelming by the free time I had. Day after day, I think that I actually quite enjoy it now. =)
Time passes so fast and there's only 1 week left for me to say goodbye.
I know that I have to stay strong and positive.
I have been trying to google everything about the society there because I want to get something positive about that place to make me feel like it is a good place. After all, I just want to make myself feel better.
I haven't gone back there for almost 6 years and I am afraid. I don't know how is the place like anymore. I don't know how are the people there like anymore.
I don't know. I really have no idea. It is scary.
I deleted my frienster account 2 days ago because I don't want to have any contacts with my "old school friends". I'm looking for a new beginning. Additionally, those are not the people I want to hang out with because they are the types of people who like to drag one's confidence down. I've taken few years to rebuild my self-confidence and I don't want anybody to destroy it.
You know what, the song "Miss Invisible" by Marie Digby has just popped up in my mind.
Yes, this song is very related to me. When I was in high school, I definitely felt like I was so small that no one could ever notice me. I was just like a little young girl who strived to look for her own identity among the crowds even though she had been laughing and teasing by her peers all along.
Could you understand the loneliness?
Now let's close your eyes and enjoy this song and put your hands up if you feel me.

Lucky Kids

Sitting on the train, I saw that a group of asian teenagers was standing there, playing and talking loud. A wave of bitterness rushed over me out of nowhere all of the sudden.
They were either borned here or immigrated here long time ago. They must have no ideas that how lucky they are living in this country.
It's sad to be honest; I wish that I am one of them.
For years I have been striving to get my own identity here. I fell down few times and finally, the doctor told me that I would never get to stand up due to the latest serious accident. I was heart-broken. I cried days and nights. I was so stubborn that I didn't even admit what had happened to me. I blocked everyone out. I almost went crazy about trying so hard to find out the reasons behind the inccident. The feeling of don't-know-what-to-do haunted me everyday.
Thankfully, god sent me my soulmate Jun. He was the only one at my side during this difficult time. He challenged me to grow up and take control of my life. Without him, I didn't know what would I have been like. After a year's hardworks, I finally get my pieces of life back together. As a coinsedence, I finally accept the past and take charge of my future.
Here I am, getting ready to go back and start my life all over again.
It's not easy. However, I will try like crazy to make it happen.
I am 100% unwilling to leave this country. I wish I could be like those kids, having a good quality of living, a high quality of education, surrounded by "high quality" people, and most importantly, found their own identity.
However, I think it's time for me to go back and get everything done. It's sad, but I believe in miracles. I wish I can come back and settle down here again.
Yes, I love Canada.

You are Absolutely Gorgeous!

Have strangers ever come up to you just to give you a nice compliment that made you feel like flying in the air? Or have you ever come up to a stranger just to give him/her a heart-felt compliment?
Sitting at a table close to the window, I was alone enjoying my The All-American brunch at Eggspectation. This wasn't my first time having brunch here alone. But today was just something so different that made me feel so relax and fresh and, beautiful.
There were two ladies sitting beside the window. I didn't really pay much attention to them untill they came up to me as they were leaving.
The old lady said to me, "you are absolutely gorgeous!"
And the younger lady beside her whom I believe it's her daughter continue, "yea, we were talking about you over there."
I couldn't close my mouth properly. I was surprised.
I heard myself saying, "oh thank you. Thank you so much!"
Oh my god, I felt like I was just flying in the air.
I tried so hard to control myself not to smile too obviously and looked like an idiot smiling at herself.
The feeling was so good. They had brightened up my day.
I am gorgeous. Ha, I AM GORGEOUS!
Hey Jun, you are lucky to have me as your girlfriend. =D
I think people should compliment the people around them more. It not just brightens up one's day, but also increases one's confidence. If everyone generously give out compliments rather than hurtful criticisms, imagine what the world would be.
No more jealousy, no more fights. From now on, don't be shy to tell a stranger, "You are absolutely gorgeous!"

True Passion

Listening to Marie Digby's "What If God Is One Of Us", origined by Joan Osbourne, from Youtube. She has such a beautiful voice. My mind couldn't help but a wave of naltagic old memories rushed over me.
When I was small, I lived with my aunt. My aunt liked singing so much and she listened to old classical music every single day. Being influenced by her, I always danced and sang those classical songs in the living room. Sometimes in the bathroom. It was my little special moment and I enjoyed every moment of it.
Then I joined a marching band in my primary school. I was very good at playing flute and drum. Even after school, I would play different songs with my little flute at home all day untill my mouth was numb.
Later, my aunt sent her daughter and me to music school to learn piano. I fell in love with the piano the first time I touched it. I loved the harmony and its sound that made my inner peaceful and calm. My teacher was a young handsome man. He was very talented. He wasn't just teaching piano, but also guitar, violin, organ and so. I remember I was quite shy and I could feel that my blood rushed over my whole body everytime I queitly tilted my head upward and looked at him.
However, this little precious time didn't last long as I started going to junior highschool. Overwelmed by the mountain-sized assignments and new experiences and guys, I started losing my interest in going to my piano lesson. So I quited.
But this still wouldn't stop me from playing piano. Sometimes, when I needed to take a break from the outside world, the school assignments, the people around me, I would sit down in front of my piano and played and then losing myself in the rhythm. I even wrote a song for myself to play, which I still remember how to play it today.
I remember because of the smashed hit movie "Titanic", I started exploring a hobby that I'd never ever thought of, drawing. I drew everything and the results were actually quite surprisingly good (I think, at least =)) because I had never thought that I could draw. Untill now, I still keep my old works in my little file.
Besides all these, I also joined dance club in school. Additionally, I loved reading and writing. I remember my teacher would always read my pieces of work, essays out loud in front of the class because my writing was always so touching and humanized. That's because everytime I wrote, I put my heart into it. I used my heart to write it and I would lose and enjoy myself in the thoudsands of words.
As I grew older, I started worrying about my future. All my friends went to businees school and that had automaticly made me thought that business was the right choice.
Then I came here, a very beautiful place. I chose to go to business school because as I said, that's what I thought was the right choice at the time. On the other hand, there is no piano and drawing materials for me and so I was caught up with other "new" hobbies like smoking and clubbing.
Few years after, after being through a painful relationship and a dramatic life changing, today I finally wake up and really start to plan for my future carefully.
Yesterday, as I was laying on the bed and listening to Marie Digby. As my memories flew back to back then, a thought came into my mind all of the sudden --
For years I've been trying so hard to look for my true passion and today I finally find it -- I'm an artist. I'm not a business woman. I'm an artist.
However, having my brother as an example, can anyone tell me how not to be a struggling artist?
Here I'm lost again.

Returning Delay

I'm so fed up.
Two weeks ago, my brother finally sent me my "very important document" with registered mail which I told him to mail it with express. He explained that it was because he didn't bring enough money at the time. But it only took 7-10 days.
Fine. Yesterday, exactly 7th day, I asked my landlord about my letter. She told me that there was a mail that required to sign in the morning. But she didn't sign it because she didn't know it was mine.
"It said L-O-O something..."
Great. You knew my name is Loo. Let me remind you that 2 weeks ago, I told you that there will be a mail for me from M'sia.
"Oh don't worry, they usually will try to send the second time."
I couldn't sleep the whole night. The next day, I woke up at 8:30am, which is a big sacrifice for me because I am never a morning person. I called the Canada Post and I got a very disappointing answer.
However, I wasn't about to give up. I went to Bayview Village and the lady told me that I need to go to the one on Yonge and Sheppard for parcels and letters pick-ups.
So I went there. I saw a postman walking pass and without any thoughts, I ran up to him. I didn't care. I was very desparate.
I realized one thing, people seem very willingly to help if they see you are in a very desparate position.
The postman was very helpful and he gave me a phone number to call. Without delaying any minutes, I quickly called the number.
Again, people seem very willingly to help if they see you are in a very desparate position.
She patiently help me to look for any details about the mail as possible. There was a hope running in my head.
"I'm sorry, the mail had been stamped "NOID" and it is already on the way sending it back to the sender."
I could clearly hear the breaking sound of hope on the floor.
"Do you know how long it's gonna be to sending back to the sender?"
"I don't know. Once it leaves the country, we have no idea how long it's gonna take."
I was so upset.
Sitting on the train, I felt like crying out loud.
Canada Post is used to be very slow motion. Why did they act so fast this time? Shouldn't they just keep any rejecting mails for few days in case the right receivers come and claim it? UPS does that but why not Canada Post?
Could I blame it to my landlord? my brother? or Canada Post?
Maybe I should have told my landlord clearly about the mail. I shouldn't have assumed that my landlord was smart enough for that in the first place.
I have no choice now but wait.
I pray that it wouldn't take long to come back to my side. I'm not willing to delay my flight and put all of my plans on hold because of this stupid incident. Please!!

Future = Career = Future

I'm so stressed out these days.
I have no idea what my future will be like. I want to start my career. I want my career is something that I enjoy to do. I want to do something that I can inspire people, something that I can do for life, and something I can do everywhere.
The question is, what is that?
I've been desparately looking for the answer. From internet, friends, books... However, I still haven't found my true passion.
Nursing, do I really like taking care of people?
Engineering, does it belong to guys only? Is it worthy to spend two years for the A-level beforehand?
Lawyer, powerful. But can I really taking care of the tuition fee?
Accountant, tuition fee is cheap. But do I really enjoy having numbers around me everyday?
English teacher, I love English. However, can I teach English in overseas?
What else?
Meeting the minimum criteria of the college/university and tuition fee are my main concerns.
My friends and my boyfriend Jun encouraged me to take the nursing. And I actually don't mind taking nursing too. However, my SPM didnt meet the minimum criteria of the colleges (stupid education system and why the heck the education is so freaking expensive there?). So I have to spend two years taking the A-level before taking the nursing. Is it worthy? I'll be 30 by the time I graduate and become a nurse. On the other hand, my family don't support me about going for nursing. They said it doesn't suit my personality. Do they really know me or they don't? I'm confused.
So tressed out.
I can't change my past. But I can choose my future. And I want my future to be right because I have done enough mistakes for my past and I'm not going to make mistakes again.
God, I cannot do this alone and I need for help. You need to show me how to find the answer.
What am I meant to be?